Searching for Questions

Isn’t it sad when you realize that because you want love just for love’s sake, you’re not going to find what you really want, but just something to fill the space?

Even worse, self awareness just dissipates whatever pleasure would be found in any space fillers.

:(

The title to this post is also the title to a Relient K song. The song is about prejudice. The chorus goes “Jesus loved the outcasts, he loved the ones the world just loves to hate, and as long as there’s a heaven, there’ll be a failure to excommunicate”

I have been struggling a lot lately with my faith. It is very difficult to make my faith line up with my material wants. There’s a reason for this of course, and that is that the two are not compatible. But when surrounded by the sex-obsessed media, and just the world in general, it is hard to imagine giving up everything that conflicts with my love for God. Yet, that is I am told I need to do. I am always one to compromise. I always want the best option for everyone, the situation where I can have the best of both worlds. But this is not something I can compromise on. Which I must constantly remind myself of, because I am constantly putting my earthly desires over God.

This brings me back to the song. In today’s world, Christians are the outcasts. The world loves to pick on those who refrain from drugs, from those who decide not to have sex until marriage, from those who put their religion above having fun. These people are shunned. Even I, as a Christian, find myself judging people for being “goody-goodies”. While “failure to excommunicate” is referencing racism and bigotry inside the church, which does, ufortunately, abound, I want to remind others, and myself, that the outside world does it’s own share of judgement and persecution.

The alcohol takes effect,
creating the illusion of courage,
enough courage to ask him to dance,
enough to tell him to be confident

Enough to kiss him back
when he finally is,
and initiate more kisses when they lag.
Both self-proclaimed terrible dancers,

the dancing improves
as the kissing intensifies
their bodies move to the beat
without thoughts to get in the way.

They are the annoying couple
sucking each others faces
on the dance floor
they are hated, but also envied.

He doesn’t intimidate her,
she forces him to dance,
takes his phone
and types in her number.

Friends complain boredom,
a parting kiss is given,
and the sudden space
causes loneliness to rush in.

She can’t remember his face,
She doesn’t think he’ll call her
once the alcohol is gone
he’ll probably be just as cowardly as she.

Exhilaration from the touching
mixes with apathy
for the toucher, balancing
out to create contentment.

I finished the 50 questions that were meant to free my mind!

My mind doesn’t really feel free-er, but the experience did give me an excuse to scoff. Anyway, some of the questions did get me thinking, and that was the point. Would I suggest that people spend time taking the questions seriously? well, if they wanted to. I would judge on a question by question basis. Some of them were really dumb.

Anyway, I think my next project will be on or both of the following.

A poem a day.

A picture a day (which I have taken), with a thousand words written about it.

Or perhaps I’ll flop between the two, and do both when I have time.

We shall see!

Thanks for reading!

I am trying to make them. I am working hard this semester to not let things happen to me. I am trying to make them happen. This is helpful in my work ethic in classes, and in my outlook on the upcoming presidential election. I have no control over the outcome, but I can work my hardest to make sure people know who i am and that I am running and what I want to change. I have already made plans for if I do when and for if i don’t. So even though I don’t have complete control, I am making my own plans as to what I am doing with my life.

Not in the detail I experienced it in, but I think that I will remember certain parts of yesterday. A comedian came to campus, which was pretty fun.

Things that were awesome that I probably won’t remember specifically related to yesterday: Going out to dinner with a good friend, both our basketball teams won their games. I went shopping with two very close friends and bought a super cute top. I was on a shopping high for most of the day.

Bad things that happened the day before that I won’t remember. Two of my opposing presidential candidates ticked me off because they’re not going to take the election seriously. This is something I am passionate about, and it’s just a joke to them. grr. A professor really irked me by being late to class, when she always makes a big deal out of students being late. She is late regularly.

Bad things that I may remember: Someone sent a plagiarized piece to the Literary Journal I work for. grr. It was a William Blake poem. word for word. gah, people upset me. On the bright side, I now know how to use the school’s plagiarism checker.

This morning (this is queued, so a few days ago) my choir sang at a Lutheran Convention. Lutherans are notorious for changing hymns. You may recognize the words of a hymn in the bulletin in front of you, but if you are at a new church, chances are it will be to a tune you don’t recognize. But it’s not just lyrics that are reassigned. tunes are as well. New words are assigned to traditional tunes all the time.

This is what happened to me today. I see an unfamiliar set of words on the page, but the tune is my favorite hymn ever. I love “Come thou Fount of Every Blessing”. I particularly love the words

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; 
	hither by thy help I'm come; 
	and I hope, by thy good pleasure, 
	safely to arrive at home.
                    and
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
	prone to leave the God I love; 
	here's my heart, O take and seal it, 
	seal it for thy courts above. 

Anyway, the point is, these words were not the words sung. But the music
 made me so happy, and anyone who was watching me would have seen the 
biggest smile and most enthusiastic singing ever, especially considering
 that it was before 10 in the morning.

It’s been quite a while. I bet tonight in bed I will notice it though. Or dream about it. Now that it’s on my mind, it won’t be long.

I’d sing louder.